What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
