I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
