if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
