May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
sex in a hospital.. check
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
