Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
