WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
