Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
