sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
