I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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