Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
