my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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