I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
