I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Is it because I queefed?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
