proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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