I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
