Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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