If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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