her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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