I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
