Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
