This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
