it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
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