I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
