Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
