I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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