the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
