You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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