smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
