I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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