broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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