I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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