I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
