Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
