Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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