Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
