so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
