The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
