Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
