My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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