i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
