I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
