You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Randomize
