Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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