I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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