she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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