i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
