that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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