But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
