Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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