420 ftw
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
